Missing Ellie

I said before that one of the most difficult things for me, as far as being a mom goes, was having patience with the little one. So, I was wrong. I know now that the hardest thing is having to let Ellie go for the weekend.
Ellie stays with her father every other Saturday night and all day Sunday. Let me just say that it gets harder and harder to let her go each time. That is terrible for me to say isn't it? It is her father and I do trust him with her, but she is my baby. I cannot help that every instinct I have says she should be here with me. I guess that is me being selfish again. Yes, I do have a problem with that.
I think to myself sometimes, "It will be fine and it will give you the opportunity to get some stuff done." Then I find myself taking the first afternoon she is gone sulking and wishing I had her here with me. Like now, I should be studying. I think I spend the whole week complaining because I rarely have time to study. I probably end each weekday saying, "It's ok Evelyn, you will have Saturday and Sunday to study while Nick has Ellie." That is my way of convincing myself it is ok to be too tired to study after I finally get Ellie to bed at night. Funny how I feel like I need to justify myself.
Anyway, the point is that I miss my little girl. I guess blogging about it makes me think I might get it off my chest and get some stuff done. Yeah, about that...not working so well. Everything just gets so quiet. Sometimes I find myself being really quiet because I think she is asleep just one room over. It is a rude awakening when you remember she is not there. I am happy to say she will be back tomorrow night.
I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had several guest families that had lost their little ones in one accident or another. I cannot even imagine. The heartbreak, the loss, the emptiness, how do you deal with that? I know not to think that way, but as a mother I believe we all do it. A way of preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.
Our time here on earth is so short, so temporary, and I think realizing that has a lot to do with my wanting Ellie near me all the time. I want to cherish each moment, enjoy each smile and laugh, and keep her close forever. The sad part is that I know I cannot be that selfish. As they grow, we grow as parents and we learn to let go. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I don't know, maybe I will surprise myself and actually learn something the easy way. Ha! I am such a comedian.