Consumer Report

As I was diligently making my way through a few of our hundred (+) channels the other night (which is always an exciting event for me seeing as how this is the first time I’ve had more than three channels since I was born), I was delightfully astonished by the idea that people will try to sell anything. Seriously. I mean, I run across internet advertisements for random crap all the time, but this is television. We’re talking real life people (b/c we all know whatever happens on television IS real). Not only is it real, but it’s streaming into the comfort of my home.

Actually, I find the most humor in the idea that people actually buy this crap…and that my bank account is now $19.99 less due to a must-have item I happened to run across myself. Kidding, kidding…c’mon now, I do have some sort of self-control. Well, except for that one time the telemarketer persuaded me to buy a year subscription to some magazine that I had never even heard of, but that’s another story.

I just can’t see spending my money on an apple slicer when my knife seems to work just fine. Same goes for some of that other stuff too. Ever heard of a lap mug? Let me help:

Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I want in my lap…a scalding cup of coffee.

“Look, no hands”... I’m thinking not so much.

Let’s don’t forget what happens when you are half asleep (as I usually am when I go for a steaming cup of coffee) and you forget that your normal, flat-bottomed, dependable mug has now turned into an awkwardly large bullet-shaped thing with a handle. What do you accidentally do with it? Yep, you set it on the coffee table (which was conveniently named in the first place for accommodating your coffee-mug-holding needs). Then what happens? I can’t foresee anyone blessed with the natural talent of balancing THAT thing on the coffee table. So truthfully, I see this as a hazard you just purchased for $16.99…unless you order now, in which you can get three [hazards] for the price of one.

What about the chocolate bar magnets?

I have a toddler that has a nose like a hound when it comes to chocolate. She can spot candy from a mile away. The last thing I need is to walk in the house and see the few magnetic collectibles we own stuck to Ellie’s abdomen just because she thought the chocolate magnet looked appetizing…”Look mommy, it sticks to me” is not something I personally want to deal with.

Should I really even start with the sea monkeys? Anything that can be revived years later from dormant encysted eggs has no place in my house. That’s just creepy if you ask me.

I have to admit I did find mild interest in the alarm clock with wheels.

Someone did once mention that if I put my radio alarm on the Southern Baptist channel, I’d jump out of bed to turn it off in the morning. I don’t particularly like being yelled at during a sermon; even more true at 4:45 in the morning. I can see it now… chasing an alarm clock with wheels through the house at the crack of dawn. By crack I’m referring to the fact that’s what the neighbors are going to think I’m on, running around the house that early. I guess it could also be mistaken for some sort of domestic dispute…what with all the screamin’, yellin’, fallin’ over stuff and such. I started to rethink the interest in the alarm clock after running that scenario through my head a couple times.

Oh, and my favorite of all useless, wasteful ways to spend that extra dollar that’s burning a hole in each of your little consumer pockets: the Obama Chia Pet.

“Special Edition Chia Obama” it says. I don’t know about you, but after seeing that I felt compelled to stand, place my hand over my heart in appreciation and sing, “Cha Cha Cha Chia.”
Somewhere in the advertisement hypnosis state I was in I broke free in laughter. Life doesn’t get much better than that. They try and sucker you in with the, “In honoring our 44th US president” nonsense. I have nothing but respect for anyone that makes it into office; I even like plants as much as the next person, but a chia pet? Sorry, but if we’re headed down that road…when I am president all I want is for somebody to put my name on that huge portable pig billboard that sits out in front of that BBQ joint…bet cha that won’t cost you $19.99.